Yes, the snow is melting and the ground is thawing – the spring meltdown.
But, I had a personal meltdown as well. A perfect storm of concerns, a few nights of little sleep, withdrawing instead of reaching out – meltdown.
I saw a bumper sticker not too long ago that said: “Don’t believe everything you think”. It was eye-opening to me. It put a name on something that happened when a person near to me allowed past issues unrelated to me to color perception of me and my actions in a complete misjudgment. To be untrusted and unbelieved was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever encountered in any personal relationship. And it all stemmed from the other person believing internal thoughts fed by internal insecurities versus the reality of me. The additional personal fallout for me was that I started questioning my actions – had I behaved in a way that fed this… Seeing the bumper sticker was immediately freeing for me in one of those a-ha moments.
Fast forward to this week and my little storm of worries. I not only believed what I thought, I projected and spun and lept into a fictional future of hurt and grief. And all the while I sort of understood what I was doing and repeatedly tried to talk myself out of the downward spiral: reciting scripture, praying, telling myself to “get a grip” and “walk the walk that I talked”: living in the moment, trusting God and his ultimate Love and care.
And still the storm of worry swirled around me. So first I posted Spring Break as the thought of posting anything at all seemed beyond me and I just wanted the blog to go away for awhile.
And then I spoke to a friend. And then to a professional advisor. And then to two more friends. And to my mother. And the storm passed, the sun came out, the air cleared. The unwritten future horrors in my head disappeared and I regained my peace and equanimity, my faith and my gratitude for the goodness of each real moment – the reality in front of me.
And I gave myself a break. It was literally a beautiful, sunny day when my personal storm cleared. I took some time off from working and sat outside with Karl and Bob and just let the early Spring day wash over me. I slept that night and things cleared even more with a good night’s rest.
As the week progressed, I marveled at the complete turnaround, back to my normal optomistic, serene self – enjoying the many simple and good things that are part of my life. And I thought about what had happened and what had I learned from the experience as I’d dearly love to not repeat it :)!
I know that I typically draw energy from solitude. I also know that it is that trait that gets me in trouble when I don’t recognize that I need to reach out and ask for help from those that I love and who love me. I don’t withdraw or try to solve things on my own in some misguided sense of independence or strength, but rather because most often, quiet time on my own is what recharges me. The trick for me, is to realize when the need is not to recharge but to have another person to share the burden.
I saved the following quote from an episode of J.A.G. some years ago:
We are each angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other.
For me, this week, my own personal Spring meltdown was halted by embracing the warmth and love of friends and family and allowing them to take care of me.
There is still a lot on my plate, but sharing some of my life on this blog is a joy and pleasure. So… I’m back from Spring Break and will continue as in the past – sharing some of Karl’s, Bob’s and my life, in Montana, from the front porch.
***All photos taken on 3/23/2011 with my phone
