I would not change a thing about how I lived life with Karl. We were nearly constant companions. The only time we were separate was when it was unsafe for him to be with me…too hot to be in the car, the occasional need to pick up or take some large item in the Jeep. The consequence of our closeness, is with his loss, there is not a place nor a moment that he is not missing from. I knew this would be.
The intense missing, the mental rewinding of time and wishing desperately that things had gone differently, the shock of finality – it feels like the earth has shifted off its axis and everything is upside down and sideways. It is sometimes hard to think what to do and I find myself walking around, sitting, moving to a different place – trying to find a spot where I’m comfortable.
My current mantra has been “just keep putting one foot in front of the other”. The place I want to be is that place where all memory of Karl is joy – that’s the direction I’m moving, but the grief must be walked through. There are no shortcuts.
Karl’s and my favorite thing was to walk – in the woods, by the lake and our loop walk. I gradually walked around the woods – my property – last week…a little at a time. I walked to the edge of the woods in the evening to look at the mountains.
Although I do not for a second believe that Karl’s spirit is in his earthly remains, I waited to walk the loop until I had his ashes to take with me. I picked them up on Friday and was so glad to have them. My friend Sara was to walk with me on Saturday.
Saturday was beautiful and sunny – the first real springlike day we’ve had. Sara and I walked the loop. I had Karl’s ashes in my camera sling pack.
It was at times difficult, but more often it was comforting. The more I walk through the things that Karl was part of, the more I feel him with me and joyful memory begins to replace grief.
One foot in front of the other…walking the loop.
***Last photo by Sara Palifka, previous photos I took on a second walk by myself on Saturday.
